I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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