I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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