you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
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So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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