I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
