6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
