apparently the secret to your success is patron
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
