Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
