I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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