Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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