i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
