the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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