He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
