And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
