Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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