I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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