I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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