I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He better not be in your backpack
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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