i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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