Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.