Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.