he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through