i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
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Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
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Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off