PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
