It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
