If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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