i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
