i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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