im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
