There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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