someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
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