If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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