My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
