and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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