i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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