I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
