Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
