so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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