why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
