Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need moral support for this bender
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Randomize
