Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
