how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
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We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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