if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
FUCK WHALES
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