i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
