The maid of honor just puked.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
