I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
