i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
