Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
