I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
