Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
