mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
