I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
