WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
