Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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