i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
