i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
