I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
