My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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