Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
