I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
