I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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