WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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