last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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