i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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